Brian

Stop behaving like an ageing alpha male lion. Otherwise you might lose more than your pride. Give in graciously to Adam’s plans. Once you accept that you are, just like the rest of us, completely replaceable, you will be a lot happier.

Adam

See above. Also, maybe you could get in touch with Charlie?  We liked you being with him much better than poor old Ian.

Jennifer

Keep Brian on a shorter leash. Buy plenty of tissues for Lilian. And make more time for your writing.

Lilian

Dump Justin before he dumps you. He’s not nearly as much fun as you think. You can do much better than Ambridge’s answer to Sir Philip Green.

Toby

Don’t let people’s low expectations define you. Get a proper job, preferably in Brighton.

Tom and Kirsty

Buy a pram.

Helen

Do not, on any account, let Rob back into your life. Whatever he tells you, abusive males like him are extremely unlikely to change. Do everything you can to keep your lovely boys safe. One day you might meet someone else. But for now, while you recover from such a damaging few years, you are much better off alone.

 

Pip

Do not let other people tell you who to go out with. But equally, don’t let the poor opinions of your family cast Toby as Romeo to your Juliet. Like Lilian, you can do better. You won’t meet new people working on your parents farm and living at Rickyard Cottage. Time to spread your wings in 2017.

Jill

What is going on with you, Jill? Why do you hate Toby Fairbrother quite so much? You have alienated your beloved granddaughter, you risk doing the same with your daughter-in-law, and as a church-goer, you are showing some extremely un-Christian attitudes. And you won’t listen to reason.  It isn’t really about Pip, is it? Nor is it about Toby’s father and his long-ago affair with Elizabeth. It goes much deeper than that. I suggest you talk to someone outside the family who you trust, possibly Reverend Alan, and explore these feelings. You may need some professional help. Because such uncharacteristic vitriol at your age is really worrying.

Ed and Emma

Stay as sweet and honest as you are. Undoubtedly we could do with more working class characters who are in the cast for more than just their comedic value. But you two are brilliant. Please don’t change a thing.

Usha and the new vet lady

Likewise, we need to see much more of you both, as well as a few more characters who just happen to be Black, Asian or from other Minority Ethnic backgrounds. Or those of us who argue that The Archers is no longer totally white and middle-class will have to admit we are wrong. Bring back Iftikar Shah; he is much more glamorous and interesting than that boring doctor, Elizabeth!

Pat and Tony

If you thought semi-retirement was going to be quiet, think again. Prepare for incoming grandchild number 4. And congratulate yourselves on being true to your characters but at the same time amazing in 2016.

Here’s to a wonderful 2017 in Ambridge, which remains an oasis of compassion and commonsense compared with the rest of the world.